Birthday Thoughts

Today is that day, you know the one, yes, that day.  It’s the day that kids love and that adults kind of grow to dread.  Yep, you guessed it, it’s my birthday!  This was a day that quite honestly used to be a real bummer for me.  I would easily get myself so depressed and frustrated.  Nothing seemed to snap me out of it until I began to transition back in the fall of 2013.

 

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I took this picture on my birthday back in 2012.  I had completely given up on happiness, although I was married to my college sweetheart, something was missing…me.

 

I was so lost and confused as I saw my life unfold in the stereotypical way.  I know that many would say, how can that be?  You had such a wonderful life!?  A wonderful wife, sweet children, a very successful career, etc…  Yet, I knew it, I was struggling privately for decades.  It was a prison that I felt I could never escape.  I am not proud of my past and the decisions that I have made that inevitably caused so much damage to everyone who knew me before.  Not to mention that degree of guilt and condemnation that I lived under for so many years with regards to my Christian faith.  That instilled fear served well in keeping me from making hard choices sooner.  I felt that I would be in serious trouble if I followed my heart and rightly so because my greatest fears of alienation from everyone and everything came to pass when I did make the decision.  I lost everything.  My friends, my wife, my kids, my career, my reputation, everything.

 

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I came out as a transgender woman on Facebook back in February of 2014 when I posted this picture and made a statement with regards to my transition.

 

What I gained though was unspeakable JOY.  I sensed a freedom and degree of liberation that I had never experienced before in my entire life and for the first time I felt like I could breathe.  My birthday that year was finally a genuinely happy occasion for me.  It is so weird to try and explain to someone who has never had to deal with gender identity issues growing up.  It seems that no matter how badly I wanted to get people to understand my explanations, most people just don’t get it.  I don’t blame them either because it is a hard one to wrap your head around.

 

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You couldn’t wipe that smile off of face if you tried back on February 4, 2014.

 

There was one thing for certain, I was incredibly happy!  I finally did it and I could now move forward in my life.

I just turned 46 today and it’s been over two years since those early days but one thing that I have not lost is the joy that I had the moment I decided to really be honest and truthful with myself.  There have been massive obstacles that I have had to overcome through the years but after it is has all been said and done I wouldn’t trade anything for this joy.  To finally be free as your own person, free from guilt and shame, free from the stress and struggle, just free, free to fly…finally.

My beautiful and supportive wife Maritza has been worth the journey to this side of me. She has loved me and cared for me since day one and I am a better person in so many ways because of her undying love for me.  So today we celebrate as two hearts forever united as one.  It’s my birthday y’all and I am soooooo happy! 🙂

 

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Two Happy Chicas!

 

These days we smile all the time.  Life could not be any better than it is to have this Cuban hottie next to me and we are so excited to see what the universe has in store for the two of us.  I love you Maritza!

 

 

 

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