When They Don’t Want To Talk

I have tried to start this particular blog post several times now and I hope that this time it sticks.  What I am about to talk about is quite personal but for my own sanity I am going to talk about it now.  The “they” that I am talking about are my kids.  For those of you who do not know, I am a trans woman who has children from my previous marriage.  My kids and I had been a part of each other’s lives for many many years.  We did everything together too, it was a wonderful thing to have had them in my life and I will never forget those moments.  They will forever be part of me and I will always treasure them.

One thing though changed everything with my relationship with my kids…my transition. In order to protect them I have chosen not to share their picture here, they probably wouldn’t like that anyway.  Suffice it to say that my transition spelled certain doom to my relationship with my children.  I remember back then that I was immediately alienated from them once I started on hormones.  It was immediate, my then wife would not tolerate it in the slightest.  Lines were drawn and I was not to cross them.

So thus began my transition and my exoneration from my kid’s lives. I was no longer welcome to come to any of my boys or girl’s sporting or social events and I would have to schedule a time when I could visit them.  My time with all of them was apparently being whittled down to what amounted to a very brief amount of time in which I could talk to them.  All because I had chosen to transition to living my life as a woman.

The disconnect started in earnest back then and now has taken the turn for the worst. Today, for the first time, I have come to realize that my own kids just don’t want to talk to me at all.  Not that I blame them but I have not seen some of them since June of 2014. They certainly don’t know me anymore and I look nothing like the dad that they knew and loved.  They have mourned my loss by now and  I feel like I am just a stranger to them.  It is a sad reality but it is also something that I knew would be inevitable.

photo 1-1
This is a birthday card that my kids sent me last year, this year there was none.  I just reread this one though and found solace in that.

 

A couple of days ago was my birthday and for the first time I did not receive a phone call from my kids.  I would get birthday cards emailed to me but that has stopped happening as well.  I guess that I am now a burden to them, not that I haven’t been a burden for some time, I know that I have been.  I am now just a burden that they don’t want to deal with.  Who wants to deal with a transsexual parent?  Any takers?  Anyone?  Nah, I didn’t think so.  Do I blame them for finally giving up on me?  Let me ask you reader?  What would you think if your parent did something that embarrassed the crap out of you and monumentally changed your life for good?  I thought so, my kids definitely have the benefit of the doubt here, no questions asked.

I have to ask myself though, where do I go from here?  Today, as their mother tried to get them on the phone and I could sense their opposition, I knew, yes this was it.  It was “that” day, the day that they decided not to talk with me anymore.  I have decided that I will not allow this to hurt me because I can empathize with the fact that they will need this time to process everything that has happened between us.  It may take a few months, it may take a lifetime.  I honestly have no idea what is going to happen but my heart will always be open to welcome them if and when they do come looking for me.  The rest is up to them and I will give them that.  Does it hurt?  Oh yeah, I  would be letting you on if I didn’t say that it hurts.  This kind of rejection is probably one of the worst things to ever have to endure as a human but this is my life and this is what has to be for now or maybe even forever.  Hopefully not forever.  I do promise this though, I will always welcome them into my life.  I hope that someday they will let me into theirs.  One can dream, well hey, at least I know what to make a wish for.

I just thank God for Maritza and her undying love for me.  She has helped me through so many challenges in the past year and I know that she will be ever by my side as we navigate through this one too.  We will be better people through this, I just know it.  Well, I better get back to packing, we leave for sunny South Florida in a few days.

 

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4 thoughts on “When They Don’t Want To Talk

  1. Lynna, don’t mix the one with the other. They love you. They just don’t know you as Lynna living with Maritza. That is understandable. They will grow and be able to comprehend in time.
    In the meantime keep sending letters and cards to acknowledge their important days. Trust me, it will be the most important thing you can do.I cannot stress this enough, let them see you will never give up even if it take all of your life to get there. They are on uncertain ground but knowing you are aware of their life and have not given up regardless of their lack of responses will mean something deep in their soul.
    You are their parent and its never going to change. Just keep acknowledging it as they only have 2 blood parents, that is set in stone. Persist regardless of what they do or don’t do.
    Realise its not about you, its about their inability to grasp the concept of what is happening. Realise also, you are the one that changed, not them. They will eventually have to get to know a new person, despite you thinking you are still their dad, to them you have changed completely.
    It will happen but they are young and need time to grow. This was not their decision and they probably feel they had no say in where dad went, never said goodbye. Being raised with christian values will make them confused for a time. Eventually those seeds of love and tolerance you sowed back when will grow.Thats when it will all come good. Have faith in that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. PS. You are strong and will get through this . Part of my problem was not being given time to grasp what was happening and not being able to grieve what I saw was a loss. My ex disappeared so fast that his kids were shell shocked and reacted with anger. Their pain was partly due to needing their dad but being unable to find him. How do you go to the one person who protects you from hurt when they are the one who is causing it? Slowly it is changing and it will for you as well.
    Imagine stubbing your toe and hopping around in pain. In that moment nothing anyone says will help as all you can focus on is your throbbing toe but after a while it subsides and that is what will happen with your kids.

    In a few years Trans will be as accepted as being Gay. They won’t be as concerned as they are now. Keep looking forward and keep in their lives in whatever way you can. They will be grateful you did not give up.
    Oh, its not all about being Trans, some of their responses are normal for a marriage breakup. They were used to both parents in one house. Totally normal reactions and not aimed at you specifically, more the difference in their lives.
    You are a good person so hold on tight .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with Charlie59 about not giving up. Keep trying and I’m sure you will. You were close once. Once they see you are still the same person that loves them unconditionally then they will eventually come around. I’m only worried that your ex is talking trash to them. If I’m not mistaken she has done that before. I just hope one day they will realize that you still love them unconditionally and that you had to become your true self to save your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement. Things get so complicated when Christianity is part of the equation. It evokes a desire to not capitulate or even compromise their standards or ethics. My family and former friends see me as an unrepentant sinner. They see no other option than to banish me from their lives completely.

      Like

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