I have tried to start this particular blog post several times now and I hope that this time it sticks. What I am about to talk about is quite personal but for my own sanity I am going to talk about it now. The “they” that I am talking about are my kids. For those of you who do not know, I am a trans woman who has children from my previous marriage. My kids and I had been a part of each other’s lives for many many years. We did everything together too, it was a wonderful thing to have had them in my life and I will never forget those moments. They will forever be part of me and I will always treasure them.
One thing though changed everything with my relationship with my kids…my transition. In order to protect them I have chosen not to share their picture here, they probably wouldn’t like that anyway. Suffice it to say that my transition spelled certain doom to my relationship with my children. I remember back then that I was immediately alienated from them once I started on hormones. It was immediate, my then wife would not tolerate it in the slightest. Lines were drawn and I was not to cross them.
So thus began my transition and my exoneration from my kid’s lives. I was no longer welcome to come to any of my boys or girl’s sporting or social events and I would have to schedule a time when I could visit them. My time with all of them was apparently being whittled down to what amounted to a very brief amount of time in which I could talk to them. All because I had chosen to transition to living my life as a woman.
The disconnect started in earnest back then and now has taken the turn for the worst. Today, for the first time, I have come to realize that my own kids just don’t want to talk to me at all. Not that I blame them but I have not seen some of them since June of 2014. They certainly don’t know me anymore and I look nothing like the dad that they knew and loved. They have mourned my loss by now and I feel like I am just a stranger to them. It is a sad reality but it is also something that I knew would be inevitable.
A couple of days ago was my birthday and for the first time I did not receive a phone call from my kids. I would get birthday cards emailed to me but that has stopped happening as well. I guess that I am now a burden to them, not that I haven’t been a burden for some time, I know that I have been. I am now just a burden that they don’t want to deal with. Who wants to deal with a transsexual parent? Any takers? Anyone? Nah, I didn’t think so. Do I blame them for finally giving up on me? Let me ask you reader? What would you think if your parent did something that embarrassed the crap out of you and monumentally changed your life for good? I thought so, my kids definitely have the benefit of the doubt here, no questions asked.
I have to ask myself though, where do I go from here? Today, as their mother tried to get them on the phone and I could sense their opposition, I knew, yes this was it. It was “that” day, the day that they decided not to talk with me anymore. I have decided that I will not allow this to hurt me because I can empathize with the fact that they will need this time to process everything that has happened between us. It may take a few months, it may take a lifetime. I honestly have no idea what is going to happen but my heart will always be open to welcome them if and when they do come looking for me. The rest is up to them and I will give them that. Does it hurt? Oh yeah, I would be letting you on if I didn’t say that it hurts. This kind of rejection is probably one of the worst things to ever have to endure as a human but this is my life and this is what has to be for now or maybe even forever. Hopefully not forever. I do promise this though, I will always welcome them into my life. I hope that someday they will let me into theirs. One can dream, well hey, at least I know what to make a wish for.
I just thank God for Maritza and her undying love for me. She has helped me through so many challenges in the past year and I know that she will be ever by my side as we navigate through this one too. We will be better people through this, I just know it. Well, I better get back to packing, we leave for sunny South Florida in a few days.