What Do I Say To Such A Great God?

Wow, what a week, it’s probably been one of the greatest life-altering weeks of my entire life!  Gosh man, where do I begin?  Well, first of all, Lynna’s Life is over and Paul’s Place is up and here to stay.  I am just so amazed by what God did in my life. That’s right, I said God!  But Ly–, oops I mean Paul is it?  Yeah, that’s my name alright, after all, it was my name for 43 years of my life prior to transing myself.  I am actually quite used to it and I tell you I feel very much at home being called Paul, being called Lopez.  Well, I guess that I should go ahead and tell you what happened?  Ok, here goes…

As those who have read my blogs in the past know about me, I have been a really tortured soul.  I have been vexed about my transition ever since last year when I had my accident.  I wandered around last year trying to figure out what I was going to do, what the future was going to look like.  After Maritza (yes Maritza but I guess I can let her tell you about her story if you go to her blog) tried to transition back in April of last year, we ended up getting married in Silver City, New Mexico and I was able to marry as a woman and Maritza as my husband.

As they say in Spanish, QUE LOCURA!  I mean really?  I went there, we went there? Yes, I did, we did, white dress, small outdoor ceremony, first dance and all.  I was still confused as to what the future would look like as the new Mrs. Cummings.  To tell you the truth, that last name  never really made any sense to me, apparently it was the last name of one of Maritza’s lesbian girlfriends.  So yeah, like I said, absolutely meaningless. Maritza and I had created for ourselves an altered reality and we continued to live in all of that through last year.  In all actuality though, Maritza was longing to just be normal, so she again attempted to detransition, this time in November of last year.  That lasted longer because by the time we moved to Fort Lauderdale in February, she was looking forward to living as the woman that she knew herself to be but that changed immediately after we arrived.

Finding a place to call home proved to be quite difficult and it just did not seem to fit a future to have Maritza continue her detransition, Lynna needed Mark.  So Mark came back.  Looking back now, Lynna just wanted to keep their dreams alive.  Lynna wanted to believe that they could transition successfully.  We even went to the beach and did some kind of Paul & Maritza burial ceremony.  I think that Maritza threw away her combination lock that she had had since high school and me?  Well, I had an ever symbolic barrel.  What kind of barrel?  One of those barrels that cameramen use in order to connecting to coax cables together.  Oh yeah, that was so incredibly meaningful, uh, no, not so much.

We were on our path and Mark & Lynna were back at the helm and Paul & Maritza were somewhere back in Atlantic Ocean right off of Fort Lauderdale Beach.  You know?  No matter what we think or think that we want, God is God and we are not.  How could I think that I could make such decisions about myself or about Maritza?  So we went into the summer and we were trying to figure out our lives together.  Later in July, we ended up going to Key West for a three day vacay.  It was awesome!  We had a wonderful time just enjoying the town and each other.  We played our roles and came home even more in love.

I missed my kids though, I mean, man, E-A-T-I-N-G me up.  I had been writing them hand-written letters throughout the summer and sometimes this would cause me to fall into a deep sense of regret and depression.  I would look in the mirror and see my male self every day.  I mean, duh, what was I supposed to see, I was born male.  Earlier in the year we had both joined a gym and she promised me to build a six pack onto me. I took her up on her challenge.  Before you know it, my body was changing and I was liking what was going on here!  I was toning up and building some serious muscle and Maritza was just beaming with pride.  She kept telling me, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”   Why did I feel that she actually had an alternative purpose for getting me to like getting the idea of getting ripped?  I guess that you all will have to ask her about that.

I remember when I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym  when she said, “Ugh, I mean, ya know, can I be completely honest with you Lynna?”  “Sure”, I said, “well, you have one of those bodies that I could really turn into a Greek God.  If you ever, well, never mind”.  I knew what she meant, she really wanted this, she wanted to return to her womanhood, she was so done with this Mark thing.  She held on for over a year now, for me.  I started thinking…

The thing is that no matter what I was thinking about, the Greek God physique thing and all, my desire, or should I say Lynna’s desire was constantly mixing up the message that I was hearing my heart say to me.  That’s right, Lynna, you see I’m really Paul Lopez, the name that my mom and dad gave me.  So who was Lynna, you might ask?  Well, simply put, I have learned to really hate Lynna.  She stole so much from me.  My kids, my first wife, my career, my mom, my only sis, my nieces and nephews, my friends, my Faith, my God and nearly my very own life.  I was so bummed and I wanted to somehow reunite with my kids but Lynna was pulling me to continue with my transition.

It was really getting hard because I was hearing so much about the fact that transition is a one and done thing, one person had even told me that once you open that door, you can never go back because there simply was no way to open the door on the other side.

…but God.

Now let me tell you, when I mean but God, I mean that only God could have been responsible for what happened next.  Last Friday, I was struggling yet again.  I was struggling with my hair, with my face, with the mirror and everything that I saw staring back at me.  I had begun to build some real muscle onto my body but I was like, if I build any more, I may not be able to wear clothes that I like because I would for sure look too masculine.  It was so difficult and hard to accept that fact.  So I stood in front of the mirror for a while longer.

After I got out of the bathroom, Maritza made her way into it and unbeknownst to me, she began to pray.  She asked God specifically to help me stop wrestling with my gender.  To accept the fact that God had indeed made me a man.  No sooner did she do that did I ask her if I she would mind if I listened to some of my old Christian music. She said sure, so I began to look for some old favorites.  We also watched some Christian music videos from my past as well.  You would be amazed at what you can find on YouTube these days!

We went to bed but my interest then progressed into the next day and on Saturday morning, I had found a Spanish worship music concert video.  A guy that I had heard, in the past who had really touched my heart.  His name is Jesus Adrian Romero and he is well-recognized and quite popular in Latin America.  He began to sing a song entitled, “No Se Donde Ir” (I Don’t Know Where I’d Go).  It was a song about the fact that if he turned his back on his Faith and he walked out on his relationship with Jesus Christ, he would not know where he would go because everything about him was based on the relationship that he had with Christ. I was immediately caught by the conviction of the Holy Spirit and began to really be moved.  What was happening to me?  Before I knew it, I found myself on my knees before my God weeping over what I had done with my life.

And I mean I cried like a baby, God was speaking to me and telling me just how much He really loved me.  I am sure that Maritza was beside herself and couldn’t believe that God would answer her prayer so quickly.  He did though, because, after listening to more of the video, I would continue to break down and sob while I was sitting in my seat on the couch.  The Lord had come for His prodigal son and had even gained a new daughter in Maritza as well!  That day, I renounced my transsexuality before God and I had no desire from that moment to ever go back to my old life.  We broke demonic chains of bondage that night and really had an amazing time of prayer and God restored my broken man and gave me back to me.  I truly stand before you a changed and redeemed man with a message of God’s unfailing and ever abiding love.  Maritza and I plan to share this great message of redemption with whoever we meet.

She and I now have planned  to move back to Nashville, Tennessee in order to  begin the process of my returning back to being a daddy to my children.  It is not going to be easy, the road may be hard but hey, I survived a 500 foot rollover car accident up in a remote New Mexico mountain range, I think that God’s got this.  He is on the throne of our lives now and we have never been more in love.  Thank God for a praying wife, God moves when a woman prays for her man.  He sure did for me!  I mean honestly, what can I say to such a great God?

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “What Do I Say To Such A Great God?

    1. We should never do anything that is not God’s willful and purposeful intention for any of us. If you were born a male then you are a male and if female then the same applies. These are not options for us to decide on. God formed us and knit us together in our mother’s womb to be who we are born to be. Some lines should never be crossed and gender is one of those lines.

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