Where Can I Ever Go, He Is There, Ever Drawing Me To Him

The more and more I distance myself from my old life and my old beliefs, the more I understand just what God was able to accomplish in being so merciful to me by pulling me out of such a desperate situation. Gender identity issues are no joke people. For many of you who do not have to struggle grappling with such things, just imagine yourself on a runaway train or on a burning plane about to crash down. Think about yourself flying headlong off a cliff and to your certain death. Think about the rising floodwaters that have no way of dropping until the waters recede but not before destroying everything in its path.
If you have ever battled with a lifelong habit that has caused you to become addicted and controlled and driven by your passion to it, you know what it is like when no matter what you do, you are not capable of cutting out this evil desire in your life. You fasted, you prayed about it, you had people pray with you, yet there you are and your addiction laughs at you and the devil tells you that this is just who you are and you begin to slowly believe him and quit trying.
Even when the voice of the Holy Spirit speaks into you and warns you of the dangers if you were to act upon your thoughts and passions, you instead pass off these urges and heeding as simply  as matter of your mind playing tricks with you. You make the conscious decision to not listen to that still small voice in your heart and instead partner with the one who is whispering these evil things into your mind.


That’s what happened to me back in the mid-2000’s with regards to my gender identity issues and how I justified them and actually fed into my passions. Let me explain. My former wife and I had begun to really get settled into our lives together as a young couple. What with two babies and a third one on the way, we had even been blessed by God to buy a new home. Things on the surface were going great, work was picking up and all things were pointing in the right direction. Or so she thought…


My kids needed me, I let them down.  Now I will make it up to them.


I had never really given the Lord all of my heart in many areas, one of them was in my obsessive nature. I was so compulsive and made decisions based on a wing and a prayer, so to speak. It was not but a few years before when we were living in Nashville, Tennessee and we had been married for a few years when I got the crazy idea to uproot my family and move the three of us to Minnesota to be closer to at least one set of grandparents, hers. So in 1999, with an 11 month old boy in tow, we set off for the cold North country. Crazy, I was crazy, what was I doing? I had no guarantee of work and I had so much work in Nashville that we had actually postponed moving several times because I was constantly picking up gig after gig. What was making me take such extreme risks?
We ended up moving in late 99 and it was not until the fall of 2000 that I even got a paid job in my new state. I put my young family at risk but my obsessive nature saw the challenge and I did whatever I had to do to make sure that everyone was going to be provided for. That year, I spent more time away from our new home than I did at home itself. That fed that access point that I had struggled with since I was a little boy.  
I began to entertain the thought of gender transition and so the only way that I could feed this desire was to go online and look for it.  So that is what I did.  I used the time that I had away to not only feed my family but to feed my temptations.  I imagined myself in a world where I might have existed if only I were born female.  I fed it and fed it by finding fictional stories in which I could re-imagine myself being the main character in the story.  I did this for years, my ex knows how many late nights she would spend awake for me to come home and when I did get home after working a baseball game, I would just plop myself on the couch at home and open up my laptop and dream away.
This was what I would hours upon hours doing when I was home in Minnesota in 2000’s.


It was disgusting and the things that I did in denying my former wife her husband are things that I am still asking God and her for forgiveness for.  I was becoming the other woman even back then.  I was setting the tracks in place for what would eventually destroy our marriage, my career, and nearly my very life.  That is nothing to be proud about believe me.  I failed my God, my family, and my friends.  I have lost so much in the process but this I do know, there are many men and women like me in the annals of Biblical history.  My story is no different than David, who even God Himself chose to say this about him,

‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart. He will do everything I want him to do.’

Acts 13:22

This guy??!  What in the world God???  How can You say such a thing about this awful man??  God, do You understand what this guy was capable of doing and then did the worst thing right??

I mean here’s just one thing that David did.  One evening he went up to his palace rooftop and he noticed this woman bathing in the cool of the night.  He wanted her, he had to have her and he made plans to get her.  He devised a scheme to make the wife of another man his.  He even knew who this woman’s husband was, his name was Uriah, a warrior in his army.  As king, he figured that he could do whatever he wanted to and so he sent one his messengers to go and get this Bathsheba, this beautiful woman.  So the messenger did his bidding and David eventually slept with Bathsheba.

She went back home and in some time she sent a message to David saying that she was now pregnant with his child.  David freaked out and he devised a plan to befriend Bathsheba’s husband Uriah and to win him over to him.  He wined and dined this man at his palace and Uriah became one of his most loyal soldiers.  David did all of this in order to kill Uriah, to put him in the line of the fiercest of all battles and to see him struck down in battle and killed.  KILLED!  This man killed another man in order to take his wife and make her his own!  The Bible is full of stories of sinful men and women like these.  Here is the thing though, here is what they all have in common with each other.  They repented before God for what they had done and asked God to change their evil hearts.  Here’s what happened in David’s case, this is what the grace and love of God is all about:

Psalm 51

God, be merciful to me
    because you are loving.
Because you are always ready to be merciful,
    wipe out all my wrongs.
Wash away all my guilt
    and make me clean again.

I know about my wrongs,
    and I can’t forget my sin.
You are the only one I have sinned against;
    I have done what you say is wrong.
You are right when you speak
    and fair when you judge.
I was brought into this world in sin.
    In sin, my mother gave birth to me.

You want me to be completely truthful,
    so teach me wisdom.
Take away my sin, and I will be clean.
    Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Make me hear sounds of joy and gladness;
    let the bones you crushed be happy again.
Turn your face from my sins
    and wipe out all my guilt.

10 Create in me a pure heart, God,
    and make my spirit right again.
11 Do not send me away from you
    or take your Holy Spirit away from me.
12 Give me back the joy of your salvation.
    Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach your ways to those who do wrong,
    and sinners will turn back to you.

14 God, save me from the guilt of murder,
    God of my salvation,
    and I will sing about your goodness.
15 Lord, let me speak
    so I may praise you.
16 You are not pleased by sacrifices, or I would give them.
    You don’t want burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifice God wants is a broken spirit.
    God, you will not reject a heart that is broken and sorry for sin.


Let that sink for a minute because you too can substitute your very own name right into this just like me. God has promised to do this to our sin and our transgressions against Him and those that He loves:

Psalm 103:12

He has taken our sins away from us
    as far as the east is from the west.

Our God has this thing about taking broken pottery and melting it and reforming it for His purposes.  We are all broken pots in the hands of this Master Potter.  He makes rivers in the middle of a desert and beauty for ashes.

Isaiah 61:3

To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”


That last part is the key right there at the end of this verse, He does all of this redeeming and saving and loving so that in the end He may be glorified.  That is why we are all here people!  We are here out of the good pleasure of our God.  He put us all here on this planet and to be the sex that we are and to have the relationships that we have and the careers and families that we have because he simply loves and treasures us as His and we are here because our very existence brings Him great pleasure.

In Isaiah 43 it says this:

  He created you, people of Jacob;
    he formed you, people of Israel.
He says, “Don’t be afraid because I have saved you.
    I have called you by name, and you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
    When you cross rivers, you will not drown.
When you walk through fire, you will not be burned,
    nor will the flames hurt you.

Why would God do this for me you would ask?  Well verse 4 says it best:

 …Because you are precious to me,
    because I give you honor and love you…


You see, God is crazy about you, don’t believe me?  Well contrary to what Bible haters would say this is what David proclaimed about His God, the same God who loves you and more than you will ever know or than we ever could possibly deserve:

Psalm 139

Lord, you have examined me
    and know all about me.
You know when I sit down and when I get up.
    You know my thoughts before I think them.
You know where I go and where I lie down.
    You know everything I do.
Lord, even before I say a word,
    you already know it.
You are all around me—in front and in back—
    and have put your hand on me.
Your knowledge is amazing to me;
    it is more than I can understand.

Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
    Where can I run from you?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
    If I lie down in the grave, you are there.
If I rise with the sun in the east
    and settle in the west beyond the sea,
10 even there you would guide me.
    With your right hand, you would hold me.

11 I could say, “The darkness will hide me.
    Let the light around me turn into night.”
12 But even the darkness is not dark to you.
    The night is as light as the day;
    darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made my whole being;
    you formed me in my mother’s body.
14 I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
    What you have done is wonderful.
    I know this very well.
15 You saw my bones being formed
    as I took shape in my mother’s body.
When I was put together there,
16 you saw my body as it was formed.
All the days planned for me
    were written in your book
    before I was one day old.

17 God, your thoughts are precious to me.
    They are so many!
18 If I could count them,
    they would be more than all the grains of sand.
When I wake up,
    I am still with you…

This loving God is full of mercy and love and wants nothing more than to be found in you. Let Him into your life, He won’t push but He will knock on the door of your life as long as you live.  He is ever constantly trying to draw you to Him and He will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  He is relentless, He is ever persistent and yet He is so tenderly patient.

Revelation 3:20

20 Behold, I stand at the door [of your heart] and continually knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him (restore him), and he with Me.

You and I both know that you have tried it all, you have been down every road, you have thrown your efforts into so many things in life, why not just open your heart to the One who loves you more than you will ever comprehend?  What have you got to lose?  Trust me, you only have EVERYTHING to gain.  Let Him in, He is waiting for you…


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