I’m Tired…

wpid-wp-1400507548905

 

To the few souls who care to read about my life, thanks for sticking around.  I have lived my life searching for truth.  It has been a passion of mine as long as I can remember.  I recall that the one prayer that I used to ask of God over and over growing up was simply this:
“God please show me what is truth.”

I have lived my life continuously asking that question.  What is truth?  What is God’s truth?  God ,I am confused about who you made me to be, please help me find out what you say about me?  I have taken many twists and turns in my life, one that actually almost caused me to lose my very own life.  When I say that I am tired, I really mean that I am tired.  God just please, I beg of you, show me the truth.

Here I am, a week from being re-baptized and from my Maritza being baptized for the first time and we have never been more disillusioned or confused with certain things.  We are very saddened by the Christian response and the lack of real understanding and compassion being extended toward the two of us.  For the last almost two months I have put Maritza through a sort of Christian Living 101 class.  We have been going to a local Calvary Chapel with great worship and a very likable young pastor.  She has enjoyed going and the music and message have been refreshing to hear.  We have been listening, watching and reading nothing but Christian.

We have watched some great and some not so great movies.  God’s Not Dead 1 & 2, The War Room, Encounter 1 & 2, Unconditional, Left Behind and so many others.  We watched messages from Greg Laurie, Jimmy Swaggart, Stephen Furtick, Francis Chan and countless others during this time.  We have been reading a book which an old friend sent me called “The Purpose Driven Life”.  Ironically, he has not even once offered to chat with me but he could send me that book.  My other friend sent Maritza and I a Jimmy Swaggart Study Bible, a Spanish New Testament, a book by Jimmy’s preaching grandson and some study guide on deliverance in Spanish.  I appreciated the thought but when I began to read the old KJV translation, I noticed that it was filled with opinion and views from this man who was a habitual sinner with a porn addiction (not unlike the many men inn the church today who struggle with pornography addictions – 68% of all men, to be exact).  Here I am reading the opinions of this disgraced man and that is supposed to be the best way to reach out to me and my newly redeemed wife?

Then there is the biggest reason that I decided to come back to Jesus in the first place, my kids.  My kids have been estranged from me since the summer of 2014.  Not one of them has ever made an effort to reach out to me on a consistent basis.  I had been given the right to converse with them in the divorce settlement over the phone every week.  That has always been difficult to do and still is today.  Last year, I was prohibited by my ex to ever mention Maritza or the life that I had.  I was told to not speak of any of it, so the conversations were relegated to whatever the children wanted to tell me, which was not much.  Over time, these phone calls came to feel forced and imposed.   They simply did not have much to say.  Sometimes they just got bored and told me that they wanted to hang up.

You have got to understand that I have never stopped loving my children, these are my kids that I am talking about here.  Their mother has done her best, I am sure with the help of her parents no doubt, to turn them against me.  It was that way back in 2014 and it continues to be the case to this very day.  I have suggested to my children that they can always text me whenever they feel like it but their response is nothing but silence. Sometimes it makes me wonder if these children were ever mine to begin with?  I was always told by so many that they looked nothing like me, could that be true internally as well?  I know for sure that if my dad had left me when I was young, I would have done whatever I could do in order to stay in touch with my dad.  Yet these children of mine seem so nonplussed by it all.

You might be one to say, “but Paul, you do realize how much damage you have done to them, do you not see that?”  I say yes, I totally see that, as much as I can anyway.  To be honest with you, they don’t let me see anything.  They are cold, they are uninterested and talking to them is like pulling teeth.  Then there is the traumatized ex thing that so many of you want to remind me of.  To tell you the truth, in any divorce, it takes two.  Two people are to blame and she is no different.  I was married to a passive aggressive woman who wanted things her way or the highway.  Before you all go on your defense of my ex, I would like to remind you that she has been absolutely unsupportive of my restoration. She is cold and totally lacks compassion.  One of the reasons that I decided to cut off conversations with the children back in April of this year was because of what she told me. “The kids and I miss the life that we had with you, the trips, the fun times.  Paul, we had a good gig going with you.  Yeah, I guess we miss that.”  Let that sink in for a second, before you feel sorry for her and rail against me, let those words to simmer a bit.  She recently stated that it would be hard to let me back in o their lives because they had already buried a dead man. So they were going to have to adjust to me.  What does that mean?  I never died.

She knew that she was going to nail me to the ground for the rest of my life but she stopped at nothing to pursue four different types of alimony.  I had no legal representation at the time and instead of dealing with things amicably, she chose to inflict on me maximum damage.  When I did not respond to the letters of divorce, she sent a memo to me from her lawyer which stated that if I did not respond, everything would be granted legally to her retroactively.  So I scrambled and sought the services of my own attorney.  I begged her to stop this injunction from going through but she told me that in no certain terms was she going to back down in demanding everything that she was entitiled to in the letter of divorce.

When I came to Tennessee for a hearing that fall, I was not able to even see my three youngest children.  I begged her to let me but she snickered at me and said no, go back home Paul.  My oldest was in the court room ready to testify against me.  He was a minor and had no business in a court room but there he was with his mother.  My children have been turned against me from the outset.  He then accused me later of working in tandem with my lesbian attorney to using my case as some larger promotion for LGBTQ rights. I just wanted to figure out how I could see my kiddos, my heart had been broken for a long time.   There was no sinister or diabolical gay agenda.

Now, I have been in conversations with the children recently and they have agreed to speak with me twice a month.  I have only recently been able to tell them that I got married to a woman last year.  I married Maritza but I dared not go into any detail.  I asked them if they had known that and they simply said yes.  Then silence.  No questions, no comments, nothing at all but deadpan silence.  The same thing that happened when I sat down with them to tell them that I was transgender back before I left for Minnesota in 2014.  The response last night was the same, it’s like they don’t care.  What am I to think? Am I wasting my time in reaching out?  When will I tire of the one-way conversations.  Like I said earlier, I’m tired.

My oldest son is busy at college and seldom if ever reaches out to me.  He will text me whenever he “feels” like it.  He says that he can only put up with so much of me. Whatever that means.  Even after telling him that I was restored back to my manhood, he has continued to distance himself.  Like I said before, I am tired.

Then there is my ex, she has never been encouraging to me at any time.  Even when I was still married to her and also in critical condition at an El Paso hospital, she has been nothing but hurtful and negative to me.  What good woman would not do whatever she could do to rescue her broken man?  Yet where was she?  Maritza was there however, she always has been, unlike my first wife.  She had every opportunity to fly out to El Paso to be by my side, to be my wife, yet she discarded me and left me to fend for myself.  Is that what the love of a good Christian woman is supposed to look like?  I would say no.  She is guilty too, guilty of refusing to be there for me in sickness and in health.  I could not count on her and not only could I not count on her but she actually chose to mock my condition and to question the motives of the one person who has proven to be the greatest example of God’s unconditional love ever, my Mari.

At first I considered leaving Florida and moving back to Tennessee with Maritza.  After all, is it not the right thing to do?  Don’t the kids deserve to have a father in their lives again? A man who has been redeemed and restored, a guy who recognizes that he indeed will never be a woman?  Maritza was willing to undergo painful restoration procedures in order to regain some of her femininity.  I was able to reestablish a relationship with my mom and Maritza and I were able to converse with her several times.  She was excited about my change, about Maritza’s conversion, the fact that we were serving God now.  Yet in all of that, Maritza and I share the unique story of being a couple with a trans history.  She would painfully shave every day and it was just tearing up her face.  The effects of testosterone have made permanent changes to her and she realizes that no matter what she does, she will never be the same woman that she used to be.  I have also been changed through my years of estrogen use.  I feel like I am wired differently, hormones do indeed make many permanent changes inside the brain of those who take them over the years.

Then there is this expectation thing among Christians that we find to be so impossible. They welcome Maritza back as a sister and a woman and tell her how beautiful she is but she looks at me and grins.  The reality is that even my own mom caught herself inadvertently saying he when she was talking about her.  It is what it is.  She knows that she is a woman but she also knows how masculine she is, inside and out.  People would ridicule us on our YouTube videos because they saw that the two of us were still the same even though we claimed to be different.  I will always be more feminine than she is and she will always dwarf me in her alpha-male expression.

We have detransitioned from the sense that we no longer believe that anyone can ever become the opposite sex.  We have not detransitioned from the fact that we are who we are.  I enjoy holding her hand and letting her lead in our relationship.  I enjoy being able to express myself in what some would call a more feminine expression.  I call it just being me.  She is so happy to pay the bills when we go out, open the door for me, to take my hand, to be the aggressor in bed. She thrives best when she has that role and I thrive complimenting her and following her lead.

So many of you may be confused to hear what I am saying.  That’s ok, I’m tired of trying to explain myself to you, to my kids, to my ex or to my extended family (who could care less anyway).  Like I said many times before, I am just tired.  Is it going to kill my Christian witness to present femininely?  Yeah, perhaps it will.  Do I look like a fool for going back and forth?  Yeah, probably so.  Will I lose friends again through all of this?  Yep, of that I have no doubt.  Here’s the thing though, I am just trying to live my life honoring the truth of who it is the God made me to be.  Am I a woman?  Certainly, I am not.  Do I like being a man?  Well, quite honestly, masculinity stinks for me.  We have never much gotten along very well.  So I am married to a woman who looks like a guy and he is married to a guy who looks like a woman.  At the end of the day, that is what we have.  Look at the options if not.  A woman who gets looks because they look like a man or two gay guys holding hands. What would you do?  I know that for Maritza and I, we are  just fine in God’s eyes.  We are just an eclectic and spirited heterosexual married couple.  We are not ashamed of who we are and we are proud to belong to each other.  Like I said, I am tired of being anything else.

What have I learned through all of this?  Well first off, this, man the church is                    M-E-S-S-E-D up!  Here so many of you are railing against the LGBTQ community and yet so many of you men can’t even control what you look at on the internet?  The fact that almost 7 out of 10 men in the church have a porn addiction is absolutely mind blowing to me.  Oh and the Christian cliches do NOT work anymore.  People are dealing with real issues these days and the days of sayings like “God will not give you more than you can handle” are OVER.  They are dead and offer no help to anyone.  That is why people are leaving the church in droves.  The great falling away is because no one is believing the false lie of illegitimate Christianity.  Who is Jesus coming back for?  The rapture is not something that any of you need to worry about or be living in expectation of because there are just not that many true believers on the planet today.  The church in America is in a shambles.  They are like the church of Laodicea and you know what Jesus said about that church, it made him want to literally throw up.  Or some of you are like the church of Sardis, you are all dead and unable to offer anything to this world but more churchianity and hypocrisy and condemnation.

Then there’s this whole disassociation thing that you all got going on.  You kick your own, you treat your own no better than a stranger most of the time.  You make a big deal out of excommunicating people, out of refusing to speak with those who do not believe the same as you.  You call us lost but the reality is that the ones that are truly lost are the ones that Jesus mentions that He will tell many on that day that although they claimed to know Him that He never once even knew them at all.  They were nothing but evildoers.

So yeah, I’m tired of the lies, I’m tired of performance religion which redeems no one.  I have not been delivered completely from my feminine expression and that is okay.  I realize now that I did not have to be.  I am just honoring the person who God made me to be, a feminine expressing man.  My wife loves me and God loves me and at the end of the day,  I ‘m tired of fighting myself, you, God and everyone else.  I am now just going to live. Life is all about discovering the truth and it is by finding this truth that we continue to live.  All that matters  now to me is being the best person that I can be for my Maritza.  After all she deserves nothing less than that.  By doing that, I just know that I will be fulfilling the role that God has for me in this life.  Everyone else can just deal with it.

Because you know what, I’m tired…

 

 

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “I’m Tired…

  1. Dear Paul (and Maritza), I hear ya. I know you are in some hard, confusing, exhausting times. In life we go through a series of transformative processes, which usually come upon us suddenly in response to major life events. The key is to be aware when we are in such processes, each of which is paradoxically a birth and a death. This way we can engage with the pain and our “shadow side” instead of being subject to them.

    Each of us has energy of the masculine principle, each of us has energy of the feminine principle. You might say that they are “spirit” and “matter” respectively, with matter of course coming from Latin “mater,” mother. These are your mind and body. These principles have nothing to do with “gender” or following sex role stereotypes. If you can cultivate a sense of integrating and harmonizing these principles within yourself, within your actual body, it can help to heal. Our minds rush ahead of our bodies and put us into insane spaces. Cultivate your body and mind together, as one, because that’s who you are. You are not a projected image: you are just your humble self.

    Stay present in your body; engage with the process, not the “end result.” Go deep in asking yourself hard questions. Try to write down and understand your dreams. Bring the most painful stuff into consciousness so you can interrogate it and understand it better. I know you’ve been doing some of this work. We end up being dragged along with our deep shit if we don’t bring it into consciousness. Dreams can help to bring it to light.

    Be who you are, conscious of reality and respectful of natural boundaries. What we used to think of as performance of “gender identity” is really no more than personality and self-expression. Simple as that.

    Forgive yourself, love yourself again, love each other, love God. The “churches” are bogus but God is not bogus. Times may be hard for a long while but please keep on pushing through.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I also just wanted to say: The whole discourse of “transition” and “detransition” is a trap. These are just buzzwords promoted by the trans industry. We are just who we are and we do not “transition” or “detransition” into the other sex. We may have done drastic things to modify our bodies, or tried really hard to “pass” as the other sex, but nothing actually changed. In my own process, breaking free from the “transition”/”detransition” discourse was really helpful in understanding my evolving fashion choices and some confusion about biology that I used to have.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Try a mainline church? Fundies are fundies are fundies (and Calvary Chapel is not the worst of the bunch). But there’s Lutherans (ELCA) and there’s Episcopalians (though the latter are outright liberal, not exactly mainline). There are churches that will not go judging every detail of your life, trying to make it conform to some pastor’s idea of what the Bible says. They also can do, sometimes, that thing which is called liturgical worship and which does not bang on one;s head like the loud stuff fundies sometimes do.

    Like

    1. Jesus is the way to the father, allowing the child like Jesus in our hearts and quieting the mind will bring us to the heavenly father, not Yawhe, Jehova, this are not our true creators, the Heavinly Father with no name is. The other demi Gods, are creations of the one, who have taken over our world and made themselves our God. Christianity has it all wrong. Check out this channel, he has lots of great information if you are interested in opening your mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt3cmlp5naM

      Like

    2. I am just not much for the institution of the church. I have always had a real disdain for liturgy and all of the pomp and circumstance that personifies so many of these denominations. I feel like all of this tradition that has evolved into what has now become what we know to be the church is nothing at all what Jesus had intended at all. I am a truth seeker and I will continue to push the envelope, to not be afraid of asking questions, to make mistakes along the way and to not get stuck to traditions, especially of the churchy kind.

      Like

  4. So real and honest. I apologize for unfriending you and Maritza. I am happy that you love and accept yourself. There is nothing wrong with either Lynna or Paul I appreciate the both of them because they are both are a part of you.

    To hell with what others think. Feminine men and masculine women are BEAUTIFUL, you make the world an interesting place in which to live 😊.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s