Changing For All The Wrong Reasons

Ok, I’ll admit it, I did it, I changed for all the wrong reasons.  I thought that by returning to my masculinity that I was somehow going to win over the love of my kids.  It started last August when I saw a picture of my kids in front of the sign of the college that my oldest son was going to be attending.  I was smitten with guilt and overwhelmed with pain.  I kept telling myself that I should have been the one to have taken that picture, that I have should have been the one to drive him up to be dropped off at college for the first time.  I should have done this, I should have done that.  Oh, if only I…

I was tired one evening and after spending time tweezing out black hairs from my upper lip yet again.  I have had over 20 laser hair removal treatments done on me in the past 3 years but there I was in front of the bathroom mirror and Maritza just could not stand it anymore.  That weekend, I broke down and repented before God that I had rejected my responsibility as a father and a husband.  I figured that being transgender was behind all of it and so I repented of that and renounced the thought that I could have ever become a woman.

It was a great feeling to come clean with God and I was so excited to be in a place where I could feel His love.  I was crying like a baby during the times that we were watching some of the Spanish worship videos. We both had decided that we needed to detransition and that is what we did.  On that Saturday night we went out for the first time as Paul and Maritza but by the next night, I was still struggling with the decision that I had made. Maritza was like, “I can’t do this Paul, you have got to make a decision and stick to it finally!”  She was right, I am definitely the kind of person who is lead by his emotions. My rational mind is not really in charge.  That has caused me to make some dumb and irrational choices in the past.  These decisions have followed me all of my life and culminated with my horrific car accident on December 30th of 2014.

For instance, when I was 16, I had just gotten my new pick up and I decided to go off-road riding with it and I almost rolled it off a hill before being rescued by a woman and her 4×4. At 18, I went down the Grand Canyon without water a couple hours after noon and then took til 10pm to hike up and out almost catching hypothermia and running myself to the point of exhaustion.  At 21, I drove all the way back home in California from college in Louisiana and I never slept for over 40 hours.  At 25, I made an awful decision to drive up to Chicago after having worked until 10pm and going to a party.  Just after crossing the Tennessee/Kentucky border, I fell asleep and ended up crashing my car into the guard rail. At 29, I moved my family up to Minnesota with no guarantee for work.  I did not work in Minnesota until 10 months later.  I ended up commuting down to Nashville throughout that year.

As you can see, my rational mind has not served me well for most of my life.  I have made really stupid financial decisions, losing money in the stock market, buying video equipment without consulting my now ex, taking chances that would be considered stupid to others.  I am a natural risk taker but couple that with my strong emotional bent, it is like another level of risk taking entirely.  What would make a person leave their family and walk away from a wife and five kids?  What kind of a man are you to have done that?  I have lost so much respect because of this reason alone.  What man would abandon his family? Well, let me tell you…

The kind of man who has never been allowed to be the man for one.  The kind of father who has never been allowed to be a father for one.  The kind of husband who has never been allowed to be a husband for one.  That was me.  Looking back at it all, I see how I was never really cut out to be a dad.  Sad, but all so true.  I hate to admit that, believe me I wish that it was not true, but it was.  Some of you may say that I am just a wuss or that I have ni heart.  Still, some may say that I am a real narcissistic, selfish, self-absorbed asshole.  I say this…You obviously do not know me.  I did not ask to not know how to be a good dad, I just was not equipped to do so.  No, I’m not blaming God either, I am just a product of my circumstances and upbringing.  I am a good person and I do still love my kids but sometimes we make decisions in life which will cause seismic shifts in our lives.  To have transitioned is one thing in itself but to re-marry, well that is truly the point of no return.

My children had seen their father disappear from their lives and by the time of the accident in late 2014, I had become a stranger to them.  I had made some really major life-changing decisions and had now been involved in three different relationships with men throughout that time. I was gone and the kids were more and more a thing of my past.  I was so focused on becoming a woman and I was not going to stop until I got my surgery to remove my thingy and had already gone for a breast augmentation consultation.  I had made the decision to do something to further my transition and breast implants were definitely on the top 2 list.  I also though, had this desire to rid myself of my Adam’s apple and I chose to postpone the breast implants for the tracheal surgery.  By the end of the year, I was on top of the world…to be continued…

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