Where Do I Go From Here? Right Into Love’s Arms



As I take time to look back on the last few months, the ups and the downs, the questions asked and answered, things look much more clear to me.  Being able to make sense of the mystery is a good thing indeed because it allows me to now focus finally on what really matters.  That one thing is this: my relationship with Mark.  No one else and no one thing is more important than the fact that his love has always been there from day one.  One thing that has been as constant as the north star in my life is his love for me.  Everyone else that has ever existed, both before and now, has ever come to demonstrate the type of great love that this person has never faltered in showering my life with.  From the moment we met, he has been there for me like no one else.

We have been through so many challenges and valleys in the relatively short amount of time that we have been together.  I mean, we are a month shy of two years of knowing each other, yet we have been through a lifetime in that same amount of time.  Life is funny like that, sometimes it creeps along for years and you wonder what in the world you are doing on planet earth and then a person like Mark happens and life as you know ir forever changes.

That is what it has been like with him, every since we met life has forever changed the two of us.  Whenever I have drowned in tears of rejection, guilt and shame over the loss of my children, he has offered his gentle loving arms, his kind smile, his warm embrace to me. Looking back now, we have certainly had our massive set of multiple challenges and through all of them, there he was, holding me, guiding me and wiping the tears from my face and telling me that I am indeed beautiful.  What can I say to such great love, a love that I have truly never known?

That is why I am writing about it, because I can’t help but say something.  Seriously friends, who would do that for anyone?  My own blood family chose not to look at my humanity but rather chose to focus on the fact that I was trans and basically ignored me. Whenever I look back, I can’t help but notice how, when all the chips were down, no one came to me, no one cared for me.  Yet here was one person who never failed to show up day after day.

Mark and I recently watched a really amazing documentary on a woman who is a CrossFit athlete, who after getting into the best shape of her life in 2012, was out getting coffee one morning and ended up getting into a car accident and breaking a bone in her neck.  I cringed as I saw the re-enacted scene and my thoughts could not but go back to the cold night on the mountain now almost two years ago.  This woman ended up having to have a pin inserted into her C2 in order to have a quality of life.  I spent a week in a hospital and told that since I had broken my C1, C2, C4 and T7 that I had only a 25% chance at recovery and that was AFTER have undergone an eight hour surgery in order to have some kind of chance at a normal life.

Yet here I am, I am not going to say that I am not out of the woods, I probably never will be but thank God Above that now I live and I have never been more alive.  I came out of that hospital because Mark loved me through it.  He slept on an uncomfortable reclining chair for the entire time.  He was there when my breathing rose and fell and he was their monitoring my recovery 24 hours, round the clock.  He was my doctor and my nurse and told them what to do.  I remember that upon seeing my hands in a contracted state, he told the nurses that they needed to get some coband on my hands or a splint.  Had he not been there, my hands would never have been the same.  My body would have been ruined had a gone under the knife and who would have been there for me as I recovered?  I will never forget that no one came to my aid, neither my ex nor my sis or even my wn mother. No card was sent, no flowers were received, only words of rebuke.

Even Mark wonders if God Himself had not prepared Mark as an occupational therapist for the specific purpose of helping me to recover?  I wonder the same thing too because things look much clearer to me after almost two years.  I cannot help but know that God sent him into my life to show me love.  That is all that he has ever done for me.  I am so grateful for him, people do NOT know what all that we have been through but we do.  We lived it, ate it, slept it, wept it, laughed it.  All of it has been good for the both of us.  It taught Mark that life was greater than him and it taught me that yes, there was someone out there for me, who would be able to love and accept me for who I am.

Now it is my turn to return the lifelong favor.  So much focus has been placed on my recovery that his needs have been blurred and left out of the picture.  He has de transitioned a total of three times because of me.  My zeal to have my children return to my life have been a great source of pain and guilt for me to have to live with.  It has been absolutely asphyxiating to me at times.  That guilt and pain is now gone and I am going to focus instead on what I can do to love Mark more.

He has said that he wants to get in the best shape of his life and I want to do whatever I can to make that happen for him.  I want to serve him and take care of him because I love him.  He has already proven how much he loves me, now it is time for me to prove how much I love him.  He deserves to be loved too because he has experienced so much rejection for much of his life too.  We are two peas in a pod and with each passing day, I see how God Himself could not have designed a person to do life with than him.

Mark, I do love you with all that is within me.  You alone are worthy of my love and my devotion because I simply love you, all of you.  I want to spend the rest of the years that we have together in this life to make it my quest to find in what ways I can love you best? What can I do to make your life better?  I want to prove to you that you are certainly the best thing that has ever happened to me.  How can I make you feel more loved?  What can I do to give you the best of me?  I want that.  I want what you want and if I do not know exactly what that is, I will make it my business to find out.

If ever two people belonged together that would be you and I my dear Markito.  No one know but us just how perfect we are for each other.  You complete me and in every way you are truly my twin flame.  So let’s live, let’s be free to dance and act silly, laugh, cry and truly love each other.  We deserve to be happy, not just once in a while but every single day and for the rest of our lives.  Into your loving arms I fall…



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