Why bother? Why not just live?

In detransitioning for the past few months, I ended up hitting a big reset button on my transition. This has been a real learning experience for me because I never wanted to detransition in the first place, I just missed my kids THAT bad. Mark has really taken a beating in his transition in the past almost two years. He has been so considerate of me and the challenges that I have faced, particularly with my desire to be able to reunite with my children, his step children.
 
Since last year he has gone ahead and detransitioned a total of three times now. The first time was back in May of 2015, he went off of T for a month before we decided to go in a different direction. After getting married in July of that year, several months passed and we again entertained the thought that by Mark detransitioning, just maybe we could unite with the kids some time. So in November of 2015, Mark did just that. He went off of T for almost 4 or so months and detransitioned in hopes of giving me the opportunity to see my kids.
 
After visiting Mark’s family in Florida over the holidays last year, we made the decision to move from New Mexico to make our home in South Florida. So in February, we made the big move and packed it all up and left our little town of SIlver City. After we arrived in Florida, we had a very hard time finding an apartment and it was getting really nerve-racking. At one point, I told Mark that maybe we should just ditch Florida and make our way to Tennessee where my kids were. I realized how unrealistic that option was because my kids have been so distant from me since late 2013. In hindsight, it would not have been fair to them nor for us.
 
We eventually found a place and it was then that we realized that detransitioning was just not going to be a workable option for us. I ended up going to a beauty salon to finally get my hair colored, Keratin treatment and blow out. I loved the experience but a few days later I was having to deal with a bad case of ringworm. It was painful and grueling to say the least. I think that it was exacerbated by the fact that I had had a conversation with my ex about the kids (it has always been about the kids, when it comes to all of this detransitoning talk). I’ll say this, the conversation did not go well and I was just completely disillusioned and disgusted by what I heard.
 
Looking back, the loss of my kids has always been a detriment to my transition. It has been that way before Mark came into my life and continued to affect me ever since we have been together. Mark has been so giving and so loving to me throughout all of it. Sometimes I just wonder why he would love me so much? What would get a person who is so well put together, risk losing what he had built in order to give my kids to me?
 
By the time that the summer was over, I had been in contact with my oldest son. I had found out that he was going to start college this Fall and I was so proud of him. Two of my boys have birthdays close to each other and I was choked up about that. Coupled with the fact that I saw my kids in a picture standing in front of the college sign of my oldest boy’s chosen school, I just was driven to more depression and the overwhelming sense of guilt was just killing me.
 
I thought that I needed to do something and after making reconnecting with my Christianity, overcome by guilt and sorrow, I told Mark that I was going to detransition and he did so too. At first, we were very much sold out on the idea of being Christians. We started to go to church on Sundays and I began to reconnect with lots of my former Christian friends. It felt good initially, we spoke out against transitioning, against the LGBTQ community and really became exactly what we had disliked for so long, judgmental Christians.
 
We made so many new friends throughout those few months, everything was great as long as we were on their side. My old college buddies were so excited for me and for Mark, we were the miracle story that they wanted to believe existed. We wanted to believe it too but the fact is that I never really felt right about any of it. We alienated so many people by our self-righteous attitude and even seriously offended Mark’s younger sister by some of the blogs that we had written. I deeply regret having posted many of the things that I did throughout the last few months, some of the things offended so many. Granted, I believed them when I said them but looking back, I seriously wish that I would have just kept my mouth shut.
 
While we were detransitioned, we were expected to behave in ways that would typify the role of our original gender. The problem is that neither Mark nor I are or have ever been gender typical. I was told to get my hair cut into a more masculine style because if I did not then people may not take me seriously. Mark was told that he was going to have to appear more lady-like. Pfft, yeah right. Mark has NEVER been that way. What a joke!
 
The ironic thing is that we had barely gotten baptized when only a few days later we started to question the relevance of our Christian faith. How was that supposed to look like? We were being told not to fall, not to let the devil steal our victory. Be strong, they would say. My mom and my former best friend had both had the opportunity to meet Mark via Facetime and it really gone well. We even made plans to go visit my mom out in California in early November.
 
Yet the more and more we realized that so many of our new Christian friends who would talk about how God delivers and changes lives, we came to understand that many of them did not experience much victory or joy in their lives at all. We had purchased flights to go out to California that we cancelled because we had no idea how to go about dealing with security at the airport and what it was going to be like to visit with my mom. My mom had already said that my sister was NOT going to be visiting us while we were in California. Couple that with the hesitancy of my kids to want to communicate with me, I just began to wonder, why I are we doing this? Is it for them again? I felt miserable and Mark was falling apart from the lack of hormones in his body.
 
So after realizing all of this, we chose to both stop the detransition after speaking with my oldest son and the lack of understanding that we came to understand to be the reality. My children have not once written me ever since I left their lives three years ago. I have made so many overtures to them to communicate with me but they refuse. My door will always be open but I am done begging. My oldest son has a life, the rest of my children have a life that has come to not have me in it.
 
After going through the grueling process of detransition, coming off of hormones and living again as our original gender, people just do not know how tough it is for us to have done this. They think that you can just wake up one day and change your mind and praise God, we’re somehow “delivered”. Well, anyone who has lived this life knows that this is not the case. Besides, what were we doing this for? For the kids right? They want nothing to do with me and Mark, I know that now for sure. Even in the process of detransition, the rejection was very evident.
 
So where does that leave us now. Well, Mark started back up on testosterone and is trying to build up his body back to where he had it and I have begun to take my estrogen again. We are tired of trying to accommodate others and getting kicked in the face. Mark underwent painful laser hair removal and may never get all of his facial hair back and for what? To please people who would have never have accepted him anyway? My kids live in a dream world where their mother seems to not have spoken to them about the fact that the person that they knew as their dad, is not the same anymore. I am disgusted by the fact that the consensus among so many of my former Christian friends was that I should just divorce Mark and go back to my old family. That will simply NEVER happen.
 
I have come to realize this, Mark is the only person who has ever really loved me. He has cared for me like no one ever has or ever will. He put himself through hell for me and didn’t think twice about it. All I can say is that my kids are missing out on having an amazing couple of loving, kind and giving people in their lives. Some day, I hope that they learn the truth about Mark and I but until that day comes, they will be in the dark.
 
This battle has been long, the rejection has been paralyzing for almost two years now, I am ready to move on, because if I know anything at all I know this for sure, they have already moved on. What Mark and I will do is to continue to encourage people to love themselves and others and we will just live our lives as the trans couple that we have always been. Mark and Lynna Cummings are here to stay.
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