Faith Lost, Not To Be Regained

Life these days is so much better than it was only a few short months ago.  Back then, we were looking for the devil under every rock and living our life in fear of this great God of my Christianity.  It all started when I was overcome with guilt and pain over my kids and chose to finally detransition in an effort to reunite with them again.  What followed was a whole new roller coaster of emotions.  Shouldn’t I have known better though, why did I think that the result would be any different?

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Oh, I had been down this Christian road, actually I had never been off of this road since I was little.  I remember that everything was bad when I was a kid.  Drinking, smoking, dancing, music, the movies, all of it was bad period.  I remember listening to people talking about how evil it was to listen to Christian rock.  I mean even Christian music was somehow bad?  I mean, for real???  Most of my life was lived in a bubble, this religious bubble and it was to that bubble that I found myself being sucked back into.

 

It’s 2016 people and lots has changed since my early 80’s upbringing.  The world was a different place back then and information was just not very accessible.  Those days it was either a trip to the library or cracking open my 1975 version of World Book Encyclopedia. That was it, if those two sources didn’t have it, then it just did not exist.  The thing is that my mind was never content to settle for anything.  I had to find out what the answer was, even of it was going to take me 40+ years to get there.  Well, last year I thought that I took a great turn in the right direction, that is away from this condemning old faith of mine, the thing is that love compels us to do stupid things sometimes…and that is exactly what I did.

I ended up becoming what I was disgusted by, a judgmental Christian bigot.  Many of my old friends came back around to congratulate my recent decision and for Mark’s salvation. “You are now one of us, now act like it”, is basically what we were both told.  I was still uneasy about it all but Mark wanted to do anything so that he could finally see me happy.  I If that meant converting to becoming a Christian, then so be it, as far as he was concerned. Initially we were caught up in the wave of it all, I imagined a great time of reunion with my kids as the main goal of it all.  Thanksgiving perhaps?  Maybe the Christmas holidays? Let’s make our plans to move up to where they all live!  I was so excited about the prospect of it all and life was certainly going to change for all of us…or so I thought.

The fact of the matter is that Christianity, Christians and their God expect so much out of anyone who chooses to adhere to their laws and ways.  It was back to the can do/can’t do list of behaviors.  It was back to fearing punishment if we did not comply with what God was commanding us to do.  I felt the noose of religion clamping around my neck yet one more time and it was starting to suffocate me again.  This time I brought Mark to the Christian party.  We found a local church to go to and even got baptized back in October of this year.

All of this and yet I still felt the same.  I still very much rejected this masculinity that I was supposed to embody.  I couldn’t stand it and I was growing impatient yet again.  Could God really be expecting all of this out me?  Why did I not feel like I was totally delivered?  I was basically back to the same questions that had plagued me for most of my life and again I had no answer for them.

Mark and I had gone to the Social Security office to get our names changed back officially but ran into a problems.  I did not really want to even go but he wanted to do it so that day I just bit the bullet and went with him just before the office was set to close.  They refused to do so and I just told him right there and then that I just wanted to not bother with any of it.  I would just continue to live my life as Lynna and that was the end of that.  That week I had a conversation with my kids that was purely one-sided.  They clearly were being obligated to speak with me and they did not want to be there.  I would also like to add that although I was able to see my mom via FaceTime, I was never once able to even see the kids once.  I had detransitioned and was living my life as my original gender, yet even then, it was just not good enough.

To seal it all, I realized the impossibility of the situation entirely when I spoke to my oldest and he said that he could not see a best case scenario coming about through any of this. My oldest would rather tell me that if I were to ever go back to being Lynna that it would devastate him.  More guilt, more expectations, with no regard to hard it was to do any of this.  The kids were clearly never going to accept Mark in the least and this despite the fact that I would not be who I am now as a person, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, were it not for him.

I was reminded then that no one really loves me other than him.  I even told him that Mark was right next to me and could hear our conversation and if he had anything to ask Mark.  He replied and told me that he did not want to talk to “that person”.  I mean talk about crude, “that person” is my husband and the most incredible person who has ever been a part of my life.  The phone call ended abruptly but it was then that I realized that all of this was for nought.

I will never again make the mistake of falling back into old, learned habits.  My old faith is just that…old.  Old things serve no purpose and I am glad that I can honestly now make a clean break from all of it.  I do not deny Jesus or my Heavenly Father but I do know this, He is nothing like the faith that most Christians profess.  They look nothing like him.  I know that the True God of All is a giver.  Whatever He/She/It is nothing that can be put into a human box of understanding.  This God for surpasses the thought, intents and purposes of mere mortal man.  This God is not characterized as some bearded old white man who holds a club in one hand, set to bash those of us who do not conform to His ways.  My God is just not like that, They dwell in resplendent glory and unimaginable splendor and mesmerizing light.

So yeah, I hereby denounce all holds of the Christian faith over me and Jehovah, it’s god.  I do not want to have anything to do with condemning good people and judging folks.  God is just not like that.  You can disagree if you want, send me to hell if you must, I honestly do not really care what any of you think.  I have lived for far too long to continue to live as a fool.  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me…fool me three times? Well, that is territory that I have never been down.

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8 thoughts on “Faith Lost, Not To Be Regained

  1. You change the gender you identify as, left your wife and kids to make your own life with the new you and at some point later, you decide to change your mind. Then you say you will detransition and return to Christianity. Then you really expected the next holiday would be included with the whole family, all happy together, like nothing ever really happened? Oh but now you also added a new spouse to the family too. Other than your current spouse, does anyone else live in your world? They may have to change (relearn or discover) nearly everything the know about you. Most people would have a very hard time adjusting to that and your life changes quickly.

    Forgiveness, healing, and relationship restoration would take time. How long were you gone? Did you try for at least the same amount of time you were gone? Or did you give up since it was not going as you had expected? It may have taken lots of time, but was always possible if you were genuinely trying and working on it and showing your kids that too. If you truly expected immediate results, then that seems unreasonable to expect that from anyone.

    You are offended that your oldest does not immediately accept your spouse? Your oldest has feelings too. How can you have so many unreasonable expectations on people you have deeply hurt?

    All religion aside, it sounds more like you are consumed with only you, and have little regard for others, except your spouse.

    Good luck with that.

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    1. My ex-spouse kicked me out, she wanted nothing to do with me and the kids were brainwashed by her as well. She told me that this would happen. I only detransitioned one time and that was clearly done for the wrong reasons. I was willing to but incapable of doing so because I am truly a transsexual. So spare me the finger pointing please, you are not anyone but some anonymous keyboard warrior. This is my life, my business. You wanna judge me? I am sure that you deal with all kinds of unresolved shot in your life, you probably just don’t let anyone know about it.

      I have moved on, I choose to love, forgive and live. You apparently don’t and to that I echo your own words:

      Good luck with that.

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    2. At some point, people need to move on, learn to forgive for their own sanity and health. At some point, a child needs to realize that mommy and daddy are no longer together and that does not mean their parent does not love them, just because they fell in love with someone else.

      The reality of the matter is that life does not just revolve around your kids, especially when the other parent has done everything within her power to remove those said kids from their father, as Cheryl did. Lynna is not the villain here, on the contrary, she tried to stay part of those kids life, but the lack of ability for the mother and children to accept that their father/husband is a transgender person, created the distance and scenario we see today.

      Lynna almost died and no one from her family came to help her, only the person that has been by her side ever since, and that would be me. Thanks to this person that most in that family sees as the villain is the one that is responsible for helping Lynna in so many ways beyond your imagination. So I say this to you, and I have a good idea who you are, grow up, if you really love you, dad, stop the accusations and placing all the obstacles that you do, that is if you really love him and not the idea of him.

      Your mother never really loved him, it has been evident when she was the one that started the divorce process, the poisoning of the kid’s brains against their own father and new spouse. She has been the one that failed the marriage, you know the vows in sickness and in health. Well, that’s okay because I am glad she did what she did because now I have Lynna and I will honor my vows, I have done more for your father than your mother did in her 17 years. So take that and process it. You are not that smart, but I hope that you can get out of your own narcissism and start to see life through the eyes of others, and the criticalness of yours that you so proudly parade, is not a good characteristic to be proud of.

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  2. You’re just sad. I do not like to speak for others, so I won’t. Somewhere in there blog posts you wrote about 17 years of marriage plus whatever time you were friends/dating your 1st spouse) that’s a long time for your current spouse to claim they did more. Actually that is ludicrous on its surface or more when you think about it… Or maybe you just don’t count raising kids or anything that is more than whatever you did in a few years. It doesn’t matter, what you have experienced is ask that matters to you both. Quite sad. Much of it all is quite sad and pathetic. You don’t go into marriage as man and start a family, then come out to desire to be a woman, then vilify everyone else in life. No one said you are a villain, but you definitely like to can me who you do not know, narcissistic, spoiled, and other things.

    You do not know me, and I have not even introduced myself to you. I see no need since you would rather throw all kind of other words in my direction which shows much more of your character than I wish to know.

    I stand by my statement that you’re both consumed with yourselves far more than I care to engage with. You want the world to accept everything about you and yet complain, out right call out AND post pics of others who are not even trying to defend themselves because they did not test you or act the way you wanted. That is stunning the definition of acting spoiled. Not calling you names, I am saying your actions that you have blogged and commented sure shows spoiled and pathetic actions.

    Good luck with that.

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    1. Frankly, I believe you are Lynna’s oldest son, who is writing this, hence why I am calling you spoiled, etc. If you believe we are consumed with ourselves and care not to engage with us, then don’t. Why in the hell are you reading our blog then? As far as doing more, I know I have, I have done more for Lynna’s self-esteem, character, spiritual growth, given her unconditional love, and oh yes a new experience in the bedroom and shown her what a real relationship looks like. Not just pushing for more kids, and breaking Lynna’s back supporting such a large family which was not their idea in the first place.

      You know nothing, and if you are not her eldest son, disguising himself as anonymous, then I suggest you butt out of our business and go raid someone else’s blog.

      I will defend my wife against anyone, you have insulted her, so that is fair game for me to insult you, don’t like it, tough, get out of our blog then.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. They did do more in less than two years than Cheryl EVER did in 17. I had the most traumatic year of my life in 2015 and no one was there for it, no one helped me, no one came to encourage me, no one was there in my gravest moment of need except for Mark period.

      I went into marriage as a man because I figured that I had NO other choice. It was what I was expected to do. I was compelled to obey God and I was frightened of going to hell if I didn’t. I know better now, too bad it took 40+ years to get there.

      You are Anonymous and making judgments on my personal blog and you are talking to Mark and I about our character??? Please, do yourself a favor and take a good hard look in the mirror. I was consumed with my transition, up until the time that I had my accident and then I was consumed with guilt primarily over the loss of the relationship that I had with my kids and now I want to focus myself on being consumed with loving the only person in the whole world who has truly ever loved me, Mark. I post pictures of people in my life because I am telling a story. I am recounting events in my life and I share personal pictures on MY blog because I feel like it. Remember, it is MY blog. Don’t like it? Then don’t read it. Just stay away from commenting on things that you have no idea about, you look like a fool here when you do.

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  3. You are posting on the web for anyone who has access to it, to review and comment. If you can’t handle a different opinion from your own, then why not write on a social media site where you can approve or disapprove who reads it. I have my own opinions, and as far as I’m concerned, I was not vile or attacking you, but sharing my honest opinions, all based on what is on this blog. You have made assumptions of me, while I shared my observations.

    Your story telling does not need to include detailed names and pics of people you no longer wish to have in your life, that is your choice, without any regard for them. Did you ask if you can post their pictures or names? I doubt it, but that’d hire you do things and how little you regard anyone else in life. Your attacks to me for me sharing my opinion is quite sad.

    So long.

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    1. Yes we do post our blog for everyone to see, and yes to comment as well, but your comments are made as an anonymous person, and that already is unfair and puts us at a disadvantage of not knowing your true intent or who you are. You are no one to tell my wife not to use pictures to tell her story, she felt a need to do so and it is none of your business to question it. As long as the picture is not of you, then what is it to you? It’s seems everything is sad in your opinion, it seems you have a sad issue, I get that checked out if I were you.

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