Life these days is so much better than it was only a few short months ago. Back then, we were looking for the devil under every rock and living our life in fear of this great God of my Christianity. It all started when I was overcome with guilt and pain over my kids and chose to finally detransition in an effort to reunite with them again. What followed was a whole new roller coaster of emotions. Shouldn’t I have known better though, why did I think that the result would be any different?
Oh, I had been down this Christian road, actually I had never been off of this road since I was little. I remember that everything was bad when I was a kid. Drinking, smoking, dancing, music, the movies, all of it was bad period. I remember listening to people talking about how evil it was to listen to Christian rock. I mean even Christian music was somehow bad? I mean, for real??? Most of my life was lived in a bubble, this religious bubble and it was to that bubble that I found myself being sucked back into.
It’s 2016 people and lots has changed since my early 80’s upbringing. The world was a different place back then and information was just not very accessible. Those days it was either a trip to the library or cracking open my 1975 version of World Book Encyclopedia. That was it, if those two sources didn’t have it, then it just did not exist. The thing is that my mind was never content to settle for anything. I had to find out what the answer was, even of it was going to take me 40+ years to get there. Well, last year I thought that I took a great turn in the right direction, that is away from this condemning old faith of mine, the thing is that love compels us to do stupid things sometimes…and that is exactly what I did.
I ended up becoming what I was disgusted by, a judgmental Christian bigot. Many of my old friends came back around to congratulate my recent decision and for Mark’s salvation. “You are now one of us, now act like it”, is basically what we were both told. I was still uneasy about it all but Mark wanted to do anything so that he could finally see me happy. I If that meant converting to becoming a Christian, then so be it, as far as he was concerned. Initially we were caught up in the wave of it all, I imagined a great time of reunion with my kids as the main goal of it all. Thanksgiving perhaps? Maybe the Christmas holidays? Let’s make our plans to move up to where they all live! I was so excited about the prospect of it all and life was certainly going to change for all of us…or so I thought.
The fact of the matter is that Christianity, Christians and their God expect so much out of anyone who chooses to adhere to their laws and ways. It was back to the can do/can’t do list of behaviors. It was back to fearing punishment if we did not comply with what God was commanding us to do. I felt the noose of religion clamping around my neck yet one more time and it was starting to suffocate me again. This time I brought Mark to the Christian party. We found a local church to go to and even got baptized back in October of this year.
All of this and yet I still felt the same. I still very much rejected this masculinity that I was supposed to embody. I couldn’t stand it and I was growing impatient yet again. Could God really be expecting all of this out me? Why did I not feel like I was totally delivered? I was basically back to the same questions that had plagued me for most of my life and again I had no answer for them.
Mark and I had gone to the Social Security office to get our names changed back officially but ran into a problems. I did not really want to even go but he wanted to do it so that day I just bit the bullet and went with him just before the office was set to close. They refused to do so and I just told him right there and then that I just wanted to not bother with any of it. I would just continue to live my life as Lynna and that was the end of that. That week I had a conversation with my kids that was purely one-sided. They clearly were being obligated to speak with me and they did not want to be there. I would also like to add that although I was able to see my mom via FaceTime, I was never once able to even see the kids once. I had detransitioned and was living my life as my original gender, yet even then, it was just not good enough.
To seal it all, I realized the impossibility of the situation entirely when I spoke to my oldest and he said that he could not see a best case scenario coming about through any of this. My oldest would rather tell me that if I were to ever go back to being Lynna that it would devastate him. More guilt, more expectations, with no regard to hard it was to do any of this. The kids were clearly never going to accept Mark in the least and this despite the fact that I would not be who I am now as a person, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, were it not for him.
I was reminded then that no one really loves me other than him. I even told him that Mark was right next to me and could hear our conversation and if he had anything to ask Mark. He replied and told me that he did not want to talk to “that person”. I mean talk about crude, “that person” is my husband and the most incredible person who has ever been a part of my life. The phone call ended abruptly but it was then that I realized that all of this was for nought.
I will never again make the mistake of falling back into old, learned habits. My old faith is just that…old. Old things serve no purpose and I am glad that I can honestly now make a clean break from all of it. I do not deny Jesus or my Heavenly Father but I do know this, He is nothing like the faith that most Christians profess. They look nothing like him. I know that the True God of All is a giver. Whatever He/She/It is nothing that can be put into a human box of understanding. This God for surpasses the thought, intents and purposes of mere mortal man. This God is not characterized as some bearded old white man who holds a club in one hand, set to bash those of us who do not conform to His ways. My God is just not like that, They dwell in resplendent glory and unimaginable splendor and mesmerizing light.
So yeah, I hereby denounce all holds of the Christian faith over me and Jehovah, it’s god. I do not want to have anything to do with condemning good people and judging folks. God is just not like that. You can disagree if you want, send me to hell if you must, I honestly do not really care what any of you think. I have lived for far too long to continue to live as a fool. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me…fool me three times? Well, that is territory that I have never been down.