My transgender journey has been rough from the start, perhaps this is why I waited until I was 43 to fully come out? Looking back, I am sure that this is exactly why I chose to hide my truth for so long. It would cost me so much to be so honest with myself, so I chose to hold out living a lie for as long as I could tolerate. I knew, though, around this time in 2011, that life for me was about to change in many, many ways, but I had no earthly idea that it was going to be such an overwhelmingly exhausting road to travel down.
The challenges have almost been insurmountable from the very start. I had made a promise to myself that I was not going to live in secret anymore and so I made the choice to document my transition every step of the way, the good, the bad and the ugly. I was not going to hold anything back and I was going to just be transparent, vulnerable and just plain real. That decision has been a dagger for me to bear because I ended up making myself target practice for any haters out there, from day one.
Although I never wanted to leave my home and was basically told not to return if I were to begin hormone replacement therapy, I am still being painted as some kind of treasonous abandoner of my family. People have no idea that the circumstances had to play out the way that they did because there was zero empathy or desire for understanding by my now ex in wanting to work through these gender issues with me. Her solution was basically to come to the cross of Jesus and repent for being so sinful. Gay conversion therapy has never worked and only causes deeper wounds, that has already been proven by the many wrecked lives left in its wake and I am no different. There was never even a shred of grace to try to work through any of this. So I did what I had to do, I sought a place to escape to because I knew that the life that I had was suffocating me from just being able to be me.
It’s all so narcissistic, many of you would say. I get it and to be honest with you, it really can be just that. I will not water this all down, I refuse to, I am only after the truth. I would have you know that when I began the process of starting on hormones and living my life as Lynna, I was completely enthralled with what was happening to me. I liked the changes, more mental than physical. I was finally able to settle into my person and feel comfortable with myself. Some would say that transwomen are not women and obviously, biologically we are not, but one thing that we are not is this: we are not men either. Where does that put us on the gender/sex spectrum? I don’t know where I am at but wherever that is does not side with anything masculine.
I do not know what to say other than to say that I do not like having masculine traits. Stuff that I can’t do anything about like my hands, my feet, some of my facial features, my height, my privates and my male attitude at times, I just really wish it would all magically disappear. It bothers me THAT much, because why? I really do not know why my brain isn’t happy with the maleness of my body, but that is just my hell to deal with.
So when I have people accuse me of leaving my dear ex-wife and five children, I am painted with this broad brush and I marked as a terrible person. When I initially transitioned, I was making a few videos a day about my daily life. Many of those videos had to do with my precious kids, if there was ever an obstacle to my transition, it has been those kids. The only regret that I have in transitioning is losing my children, if there is any guilt that I deal with, it is because of them. I am a loving person and I cannot imagine a worse type of pain than not being able to do anything as your children grow more and more distant from you.
I tried to keep that from happening, but the only the way that this could ever have been possible was to go back to my old life as a male and I just couldn’t do that. In one painful exchange, my oldest son told me that I had chosen genocide of my family rather than my own suicide. He resented the fact that I chose myself over them. The alternative would have been devastating for me, it would have ended my life, first emotionally and then physically. That seemed to be a better option for him though, just keep things the same and pretend like nothing was wrong at all. At the end of the day, my choice was seen as supremely the ultimate of all acts of selfishness. People that did not understand gender dysphoria were quick to point fingers, they still do the same thing now.
How many times does one need to be kicked before you just stand up and say enough? What does it take to get to the place where it just doesn’t hurt anymore, where you just rise above it and realize that if they really loved you then they would choose to approach things differently by now. It has been over three years since I transitioned and five since the GD issue had become a real issue. What does one have to do to let them know that I am not the person that they thought that I was? I attempted to detransition in one last ditch effort to conform to what everyone who knew me wanted and that just flat-out did not work in the least.
So now here I am. I have already pissed of the trans community a couple of times now, Christians have criticized me since I transitioned but ever since I had made nice with them by claiming to be delivered, they were on my side. I truthfully thought that God was going to help me become the person that my kids wanted, Mark was all in too but it was just not to be. I grew weary of trying to be someone that I was never able to be. My oldest son had his hopes of my return dashed and he recently let me know about it. He said that I somehow lied to him, that I had said that I had changed. He was so upset at me that he started to just hurl all kinds of crude criticisms at me and then towards someone he did not even know, Mark.
Mark has been nothing but supportive of me and his desire has only ever been to see me happy. He is trying to get me to be happy, but he says that the only way that I can do so fully is to just leave everything from the past in the past. If your past does not want to come to the present with you and accept you for who you are now then what is the purpose of holding onto people who cause me more pain? How many times does one need to be kicked when one realizes that enough is enough? What is it going to take to fully embrace being the woman that I know that I am meant to be, Lynna Arielle Cummings? Mark says that I have been dancing between my two lives for far too long and that I need to make a decision. Do you want to go back to being Paul and getting reconnected with your kids or are you going to be Lynna, the woman that I married over a year and a half ago?
These are questions that I have already answered, I have never wanted to be anything other than Lynna, that is who I am and will always be. Anything else will be destructive for me, I know that. I love Mark more than anything in the world and that would supersede the love that I have for my kids. He is everything to me and it kills me that I am constantly being pulled back into my old life by the people that once knew me, Christians and everyone of my old family. It’s tough because just when you think that you are making progress in life, you are yanked back into the past. The past is nowhere to live, let me tell you. Do you know how stale food tastes like when you keep it past it’s expiration? I am going on over three years of having left my old life and yet that is exactly what these people want from me. When I see the texts that my oldest boy sends me, he says that he loves me. I wonder though, does he love the me now or the me that he remembers? If you can’t love the now me, love the person (Mark) that I love more than my own life, then I do not know if you really understanding what love means?
I am hurting today, I am kind of in a state of shock from all of the things that have transpired here recently. I am tired of all the verbal assaults, the questioning of my integrity and honesty, I am tired of answering to anyone for what I have done with my life. Kicking me has gotten me to the place where now I am more convinced than ever that what I did in pursuing transition and living my life as a woman was the BEST decision that I ever have made. If I had to do it all over again, I would have done it sooner, I would not have not gotten married and would have just transitioned in my twenties. Yes, I do wish that I could have hit a big reset button on my life and go back to the summer of 1991 when I was just twenty-one years old. I had been wanting to transition even back then, but damn Christian conviction, repression and guilt kept me from doing it. Now I have to make due with this life that I have now.
In closing, I wanted to make a public declaration to you my man, my husband, my life, my everything…these are the words from your wife, your woman, to you, my forever love
Mark Angelo Cummings, you have been Heaven to me, I have never known a love like yours and I know that I never will. This day I promise to you again to never leave your side, to never again offer you the option to leave me because I need you. I don’t think that I can breathe without you in my life and by my side. I love you, I always have and I always will. I love you above anything, kids, God, things, when I say anything, I mean anything. You are my everything, you are a part of me. I am a part of you and we were always meant to be together. We will always be together because I know that whenever we go off into eternity, we will go as one because that is who we are. You are me, I am you, we are a mirrored reflection of each other and I promise to never leave your side. My life is found in yours and yours is found in mine. I love you, you are it for me. I knew that I did not need to search anymore once I discovered you almost two years ago now.
I only live to be able to prove to you that my words are not just words, but they demonstrate by very literal actions. I am going to commit to living in the present and not in being forced to turn around whenever the past comes to remind me of my old life. Old things are dead things and they serve me no purpose. I need to keep telling myself that. Paul is dead, I was right to have said that to everyone in my past in 2014. I let them make me question that and for that I am very sorry. Yes, my love, you married me, Lynna and I proudly took on your name as my very own. Along with that new name was this disconnection with my old Lopez name. Help me to do that Mark, I want to be the woman that you know that I can be with you. Teach me to emotionally develop as that woman of your dreams, a person who puts your needs before my very own. I want that, I am ready for that. I love you, I want that for the both of us. I want to love you as the man that I know that you are, it’s our life to live, love and laugh.