Rejection: you know, it’s one of those things that just does not go away. It does not matter how many years removed that I am from the people and the family, both immediate and extended, it just hurts. I have been transitioned now for over three years and I am do not have to go far in life to realize that I am thoroughly rejected by many people.
Why is that? Why can’t people just for one minute think about how I feel? Oh yes, I am labeled a deadbeat dad by my oldest son because of the fact that I could not keep from not being a transsexual. I did not ask to be like this! Do you think that a sane mind would choose this narrow path of human existence? But no, you choose to just reject what does not suit you or your world. I was recently told that history would not remember me well, that my marriage to Mark would end up broken, that Mark was a person who could not stay in a marriage.
My mother talks about how distraught her and my sister were completely devastated by the fact that I would reject the name of my birth and that I would change my last name by getting married as a woman last year. They could not accept the fact that, they rejected me without regard to the fact that gender dysphoria is really an issue in my life. So I did something about it to bring myself relief from the mismatch that I have felt all of my life. Would they bother to have some compassion or empathy towards me to try to wrap their brains around it? No, they just expected me to go back like everything was normal again.
Newsflash, nothing is normal anymore.
My life looks nothing like it did before, I have made permanent, life-altering decisions in my life. Here it is, three years from the time that my ex gave me an ultimatum and told me what she expected and that I chose to give them the dignity to not have to deal with a person that they did not want to have anything to do with.
My mother still thinks that all I do is go about dressing up in women’s clothes. She tells me, you have a man-face, you will never be a woman. She does not realize that the more that she says that the more she makes me resolute in transitioning to even a greater degree. It was like what my now ex said to me back in 2012, “you will never have curves like me, it’s just not possible”. I have always been the kind of person that if you were tell me that I can’t do it, I will do everything that I can do to make it happen.
I am so tired of rejection, it has been a noose around my neck that has just about killed me. Imagine, I was lying steps away from death a couple of years ago and no one reached out to me save Mark, at that time a stranger. Even after I had attempted to detransition, I asked my ex if I could see my kids on FaceTime and she told me no. I have not seen those kids for 2 1/2 years now. I mean, what human would do that to another human? It is such a terrible tragedy in the life of any parent to be intentionally kept from their children. I would say that it is one of the most inhumane things that a person can possibly do.
Yet here I am now, realizing that no matter what Mark or I did or did not do, my children have been so brainwashed, that they will NEVER accept me and my marriage to Mark. They want nothing to do with the only person who has truly ever loved me. My own sister has not spoken to me in 2 years. Even when Mark and I were planning on coming out to visit my mom in California, she let me mother know that in no uncertain terms did she want to see me at all. I mean, even though we were detransitioned, she still rejected me and refused to recognize Mark.
How much rejection does one person have to endure? Why does it have to be this way? My own extended family has not spoken to me, they reject me entirely. I was a person who that whenever I visited family, they all wanted to see me. Now I am the greatest embarrassment to the family and no one says anything to me except to gossip about whatever I post about my life on social media.
I can’t have a normal life anymore, even extended family here in Florida wants nothing to do with me. Again, why can’t they just try to empathize here? Why do I have to feel so completely and utterly alone? This is what life is like for many of us, we are discarded and cast aside, forgotten and forever shunned. In Latin families, the sting of gender transition is so painful, they and their deep-rooted Machismo culture have zero tolerance for such a thing.
My mom today told me that she wouls basically be more accepting of me being a gay guy than for her to see me trying to be a woman. I told her that Mark and I would either be seen as a couple of married guys or we would be what we are now. I have never really felt like I was gay, I never felt comfortable being with a guy as a guy. I loved masculinity but I never loved being masculine. I have never wanted to be anything other than me. Call me what you want but what I want to be seen as is as regular woman. Call it a brain defect, call me crazy, say what you want, all that I know is that I am who I am, I am Lynna Arielle Cummings and I will never again apologize to anyone for being the type of woman that I am. I have lived in guilt, shame, rejection and fear for far too long. If you can’t handle who I am, I am not asking you to be a part of my life. I only want people in my life who are there to encourage, love and support me. If you want to continue to hold me to my past, I will tell you this:
That person died back in 2014, he was given a proper burial and a funeral at that time. The person that I have become is not him. Most of you do not know me, that is okay, I have given you the oppotunity to do so but you have continued to reject me. So so long to all of you and all of your expectations, I can do no more for you. I reject your rejection and I will no longer let it continue to pry into my life.