You know, when I find myself blogging, I always seem to focus on the negative aspects of what has happened in my life in the last few years. I want to really stop doing that, it is part of my old nature to continue to live in that kind of negativity and I thought that I had moved away from that. My life, in many ways, despite all of the challenges and struggles has really become quite wonderful and peaceful these days.
I have never once been left alone, my incredible husband, my love for life has been with me every step of the way. Mark has shown me love in a way that I never knew existed, I know that love like that does not get to happen to many people but I am truly one of the lucky and blessed ones, that I do know. He has never failed to show me great love and I am forever oh so grateful. How can one person love me like he does? How can one person love me so much that they would be willing to do anything to see me happy? That is truly what Mark is all about. Ever since I asked him to stay with me while I lay in critical condition in El Paso, he has never left my side.
When I look back and take into account all that he has done for me, I lose count. He literally dropped everything in order to take care of me. From the moment I found myself helpless, he has been my help. Whether it was holding me when I first got into a car following my accident. I remember that I walked out of that hospital with a clam shell brace around my waist and up to my neck. He cradled my head and neck for 3 hours as someone else was driving us back to the little town of Silver City, New Mexico.
As time went by, challenges came and went, yet there he was, by my side. We got engaged and then married each other on July 16, 2015. That will go down as the most memorable day of my life because I finally married the person, the man for me. I remember him reciting his vows to me in front of the judge and our new friends Mike & Al. We were so happy to belong to each other. A few days later we were off on our Honeymoon in Vegas and we had a really fun time.
Mark was willing to do anything for me and when I mean anything I do mean anything. I have influenced his decision to detransition, all three of the times that he attempted to do so. He saw my need to want to be with my children and his heart broke for me. He figured that even if I did not detransition, he would do so in order to be able to be presentable to my family some day. It was hurting him though because you just don’t go without hormones in your body. Yet he was willing to do so and why? Simply because he has loved me and he thought of me before any thought of him.
I got the itch to move from New Mexico after visiting Florida over the holidays last year. At the beginning of January we got back to our little villa in Silver City and by the next month, we had moved to South Florida. Most of my decisions in my life have been based on my desire to reunite with my kids and this move was no different. I figured that by living on the east coast that we could be closer, within driving range of Tennessee. My hopes were still up and I was looking forward to what might happen.
I wanted to pause a bit before I continue with sharing about Mark and his latest attempt to detransition. We live in Paradise! No, I mean seriously, if one could be dropped off anywhere to have a life, Fort Lauderdale is definitely high on that list! Everywhere we look, it is beautiful. As I write, I look out my apartment window and I see the coconut trees gently move in the wind. We go for walks that are a feast for the eyes whichever way we choose to go. If we go to the right, we end up in the quaint Las Olas district. This area is filled with cute stores, art galleries, and unique restaurants. This is a tourist destination for sure and one cannot walk down the street without seeing one exotic car after the other. If that wasn’t enough, we arrive at the Riverfront and this place is full of boats and high rise condos. A meandering walking path follows along New River on downtown FTL and the views in the day or at night will simply take your breath away. This is by far, one of the MOST romantic strolls that a couple can take. The scent of jasmine and the calm serene ambiance just beckons you to steal a kiss on a park bench with the one you love. You just can’t help it, it’s so intoxicatingly beautiful.
Going to the left isn’t too shabby either. This is the direction that leads to famous Fort Lauderdale Beach. You are not ripped off in the scenery department by any means. This has got to be one of the most wealthy parts of Fort Lauderdale because homes are literally built on little islands with water separating them. Yachts and pleasure boats are everywhere. The water-side homes are extravagant and very opulent, that is what you can see of them. This is a very prestigious and luxurious part of town and I pinch myself every time just to be able to live next to such an amazing place.
After crossing a lift bridge, we get to the end of the road and it spills out right onto Fort Lauderdale Beach. What can I say about FTLB? Let’s just say that many people every year make it a point to either spend a week or all winter long here (if you are Canadian). This area is always busy and has lots of cool things going on most of the year. Right now, we have a couple of tall snowmen with signs that say “Welcome to Fort Lauderdale Beach”. There is no cold weather to worry about here, though, we have palm trees wrapped with lights and mostly everyone is still trying to stay cool by wearing shorts, tank tops, and flip-flops. I do admit, not as many bikinis this time of year as it is a little cooler for Florida standards, not by much though! 🙂
We love living here for sure and as a married couple with a trans history, the gayborhood of Wilton Manors is within walking distance as well. I had never touched alcohol for most of my life but after transitioning, I went ahead and tried out wine. Laat year in New Mexico I discovered the traditional margarita and wondered why I had been so strict with myself all of these years? We typically have a couple of drinks every Saturday night, that is our weekly date night. We have recently gone dancing a couple of times and I again wonder what took me so long? It’s life, your life and you have every right to live it. You have every right to enjoy the life that you have, no one should have the power to take that joy away from you.
As I sit here this morning, I want to share about what Mark did for me. He was willing to give up his masculine essence so that we could move up to Tennessee and so that I could reunite with my children. He did not do this because he wanted to, he saw my broken state and wanted me to finally be at peace. If that meant that he had to give up his persona, his attained gender, then that is what he was willing to do, not for him but for me.
In the span of two months, he had done a lot to make that happen. He assumed his old name and began really do whatever he could to present more femininely. One specific thing that I feel really bad about is that he underwent painful laser hair removal treatment. He used to be able to grow a beard in two days and now it’s just not like that anymore. In one particular treatment, the laser technician really burned his face. We are hoping that this hair loss is not permanent because he only went under the laser twice in that time. I do not know why I have let my desire to be with my kids drive me to make so many poor decisions. (Oops, I had said that I was not going to go negative. That’s it, I promise.)
Mark and I are on our way to recovering from such dumb decisions of mine. We both realize now the futility in ever attempting any reconciliation with Christianity or with my kids. Neither of them wants that. I am so happy that I can now just proceed to live as I knew that I was intended to. I want to be able to look back at all of this in the future and just see it as one giant hiccup compared to the rest of our lives together. All that we have is today, the present is the only thing that we really have any control over. We have no control over what happens a minute from now, plans can be made but reality is what it is. So make a promise to yourself to enjoy the moment that you are in right now.
So yeah, my life is not bad at all. I have love, what in life could possibly be more precious, more sought after, more needed? We all need love and Mark embodies that for me and the life that we live is really quite idyllic. I am learning to get out of that negative mindset of my old nature. I remember when I transitioned, how I felt, how I thought to myself that this is truly what being born again was all about. Leaving my old nature behind was part of the metamorphosis into the person that I was becoming. Somehow, after the accident especially, I lost that innocence, that newness and regressed to my old shell of being. Thank God that now I am finally able to crawl back out of that old line of thinking and being. I have promised myself to smile more and to appreciate and love Mark more and more with every passing day. That is what I have, today, this moment, this promise to live now, to love now. I pray the same for you too friend. May you find the beauty of life in the simple things, whether it be in the form of a hug or a welcoming smile or just by the way that we treat one another.